Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
