How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
