Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
