I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
