why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
