I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
