I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
