Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
