dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
