i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
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Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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