This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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