youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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