I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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