I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
