Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
