Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
