dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
