"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
