I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
