drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
