Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
