The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
