I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
