college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
