Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
