well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
