I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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