Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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