Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
