You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
