In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
