She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
