You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
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this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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