South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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