I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
