Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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