I want to have your abortion
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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