The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
