this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
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His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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