I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
