His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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