I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
