So drunk its hurt
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
