Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
