I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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