I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
