You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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