they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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