Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
