Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
