I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
