Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
