Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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