Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
