I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
