The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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