Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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