At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
