It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
