Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
