Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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