I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
